Accepting What Is

I ran a race last weekend, the first official event I’ve participated in since August’s sprint tri and first running event since the Brooklyn Mile. The longest I had run prior to the race (7K, 4.35 miles) was 3 miles at an 11:30 pace, a number that makes me wince even just writing it.

Afterwards, a friend I ran with got her results email and said “I got 11th in my age group!” My other friend, who ran the half-marathon at a speed faster than my mile pace, came in 19th in her age group. This may come as a surprise to you, dear reader, but I did not come in the top twenty of my age group.

Which, no doy, this was my first race after breaking my ankle and I haven’t run longer than three miles in over six months.

What I was able to do, however, was:

• complete the race feeling like I gave as much as I had

• pay attention to my form and work on engaging my glutes and calves

• run the second half of the race faster than the first

I was sore afterwards, which is something I haven’t felt in my legs in some time. It felt so GOOD to have proof that I did my best when the numbers seem to tell a different story. I felt extremely stiff getting out of the car after a three-hour drive back to Brooklyn and soaked in a searingly hot epsom salt bath to loosen up.

Today, the day after, my calf is a little sore but my foot & ankle feel the best they have in a long time. The muscle on the side of my right leg, along the fibula, feels like it’s woken up after a long rest. While this race was hard, I think it showed me the gains that are possible when I work steadily on improving strength and fitness. And even though the race was hard - focusing on avoiding potholes, keeping my form strong, and continuing to run when I definitely wanted to stop - I actually felt good about running afterwards. I’m waitlisted for OrangeTheory tomorrow and I’m actually thinking about going for a run instead…and I’m excited about it! I know it will still be sticky at first, and that I need to keep doing PT to keep this progress going. But for now, I’m going to try and actually enjoy the positive parts of this result.

Always Being Hurt

I listened to an episode of the Citius Mag podcast the other day where Chris was interviewing Kate Murphy, a star high-school runner who had recently medically retired due to a rare vascular condition. She was a bubbly nineteen-year-old who was quite matter-of-fact about her condition, but what stuck out to me was when she said, “I started associated running with always being hurt.”

Me too, buddy.

In April of 2016 I finally had the chunk of bone spur (ahem, “loose body”) removed from my big toe, since it had started to become painful with every step instead of just intermittently stiff. Because my doctor suggested that physical therapy wasn’t necessary and I was happy to not have extra shit to do, I didn’t do PT. LOL, great call 2016 Joan.

So here I am in 2019, three years later, still dealing with this dumbass toe. I’ve always been more of a supinator when walking and running, and that plus an overly stiff toe and forefoot probably led to my ankle break last October. Now I have to re-learn a healthy gait, which hey, I probably should have taken care of a few years ago BUT the bigger problem is constantly associating running with pain.

The idea of signing up for races now is so loaded. Will I even get to the start line? As an extremely risk-averse person, the idea of signing up for a stretch-goal type race feels more like setting myself up for disappointment than an exciting goal to motivate me to do my heel raises. For now, I’m focusing on short triathlons, since swimming and biking are both areas where I can see significant improvements. I’m crossing my fingers that mojo carries me through any mentally and/or physically painful running workouts this summer.

Which brings me to…writing! I barely read a book last year and it took an end-of-2018 inventory to realize that, which led me to actively decide that was not how I wanted to live my life. I’ve been paying for this domain name for at least two years (#buildingapersonalbrand), so I may as well use it. Instead of ignoring my feelings about running and racing, I’m going to articulate them here, try to dive into what I’m afraid of, and how I can get over the mental hurdle of associating running with pain. I might talk about books too! Because my writing has devolved, and even though I work in spreadsheets for most of the day, I want to at least have the ability to sound like an intelligent human and not a robot who barely finished 4th grade.

So join me on this journey into blogging about a specific topic, trying to figure out Squarespace, and making time in my life that isn’t scrolling through cute animals on Instagram.